Look at dis azz...

Say I'm lyin'....








Am I lyin'?

Reasons why there will never be any good men

To: Skip skap skallywags, hizzods, hoes, tramps, slizzies, sluts, whores, hoes, broads, skanks, and other assorted jilted women worldwide

There will never be any good men as long as you keep f**kin' on the first date...ya slut.
As long as you keep spendin' all your dough on a n**ga you don't know...ya dumb ass.
As long as you keep lettin' that n**ga tell you to shut the f**k up and take it.
As long as you have absolutely no self-respect for yourself or your vagina.
As long as you post pictures of yourself half naked (or completely naked) on the internet (callin' yo' self a model with no clothes on and your ass cheeks spread...what the f**k?)
As long as you cuss like a sailor and expect to be treated like a lady :-" !!!!!
As long as you tell a n**ga "no" one minute, and the next engulf his penis like it's an asthma inhaler.
As long as you publicly solicit dick.
As long as you keep listening to your lonely ass homegirls, who couldn't keep a man if one was chemically bonded to their chest.
As long as you're okay wit a n**ga bein' yo f**k buddy.
As long as you keep complaining that there are no good men, you cynical b!tch....

THERE WILL NEVER BE ANY GOOD MEN.

Now make me a muthaphuqin' sandwich.

The Thickness Measurement System

::A scale that measures the appropriate thickness of a woman from 1(NT) - 5(MT)::

I will no longer allow the word "thick" to be misused. Here is the TMS (Thickness Measurement System). If you see a gal and say she's thick, this scale will help you determine her true thickness. Anyone who mistakes a 5MT for a 3PT should be shot on sight. Read the rest for more detail.

1 NT (Not Thick)- This woman has a minimal amount of curves. She may catch herself saying that she is thick when in reality she is purely saying this in jest. Perfect examples: Most white women, Whitney Houston


2 ST (Slim Thick)- The cutie with a little booty. Too slim too be called perfectly thick, yet too well endowed to be called skinny. When she's wearing the right pair of jeans that ass is impossible to ignore. Or has a handful up top. Perfect examples: Eva Mendez or Sanaa Lathan


3 PT (Perfectly Thick)- Also known as the Video Vixen, these women have "The hourglass", nuff said. They are by no means skinny, yet by no means fat. Shapely and fit, this is the type of woman of most men's fantasies . Perfect examples: Beyonce, Melyssa Ford, Esther Baxter, Ki Toy Johnson, Vida Guerra, etc.



4 TT (Thicky Thick)- Junk in the trunk, badunkadunk, whatever you wanna call it these type of women have it. Sizeable yet shapely. They are what many call the "full figured woman." They might shop at Lane Bryant, you'll find minimal rolls on her. Perfect examples: Tocarra (full figured girl from America's Next Top Model), Jackie' (of 227 fame), Trina (Let's face it, she's still fine, but she's one donut away from hella huge)


5 MT (Massively Thick)- This woman has no choice but to be thick because she is overweight. She is no stranger to a meal and is allergic to exercise. Perfect Examples: Roseanne Barr, Monique, Star Jones (before the tapeworm stole all her bodyfat)

Happy hunting.

Keys to Male Happiness and Things Every Woman Should Know

a manifesto in response to the complaints and unhappiness of unattractive women by Jebediah "Jeb" St. Jacque and Melchizedek "Mel" Patterson

You get in free to the club. You have guys buying you free drinks. Men buy you free everything and all you gotta do is be fine and not even that sometimes. Just have a vagina, be willin' to spread your legs, or at least appear so cause you kow many a n**ga is lead on daily. B*t*h stop whining. The following are ways to get a man, keep a man, and make him happy. Now shut up and listen. And if some things appear more than once, shut up and take note because it's like that for a reason. The language will get strong at times because damnit, we feel strongly about these issues.

A. Social Settings
Don't curse just to curse because it ain't lady like and the more you curse the more likely we are to treat you like a dirty b*t*h cause only dirty b*t*hes and potty mouf hoes curse. Be a f**kin' lady.
Never have bad breath.
Don't belch, Don't fart, Don't sh*t, or Don't spit around us because we don't want to hear/smell/see that crap.
Never urinate in public cause that sh*t is nasty.
If you have to blow your nose, excuse yourself, snot is not attractive.
Do not vomit, ever.
EVER.
Stay well groomed at all times. Never allow yourself to have facial hair, EVER. Never have hairy legs/pits. Shave your legs, every other day. Thigh stubble is atrocious and grounds for termination.
Never be hairy. Ever. Do not pile on pounds of make up. Looking like a circus clown is not attractive. Never be ashy. Your skin should be lotioned and smell of lavender and angel dust 24/7.
Do not repeat outfits in the same week. That sh*t's nasty and will be interpretted as a sign of your hoe/slut/tramp/skallywagness.
If you are more than 160 pounds and are not 6' and up, form fitting clothes are not for you, period. So stop it, you just look nasty.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER induce labor so that you can go to the club the following week.
Do not mean mug in the club because if you are hoping to get approached with a Mr. T scowl on your face then you can just forget about it.
Do not be rude as your rudeness will incite men to call you out of your name. Ya rude b*t*h.
Do not openly bop "ballers", "thugs", "hustlers" as it makes you look/sound like a gold digger/bopper/skipskap skallywag. Do not even use such vernacular (ie: thugs, ballers, hustlers). It makes you look/sound like a gold digger.
Always be on point when in a public setting.
Do not get drunk off your ass. It is unattractive.
Do not openly crave liquor (ie: Homer Simpson style). It is a sign of alcoholism.
If we're at the club and you're dancin all up on me like we f**kin', don't be mad if later on I ask you "Are we f**kin?"

If you're talk about f**kin', you best be talkin' about f**kin'. ALWAYS. Thou shalt not be a cock tease. EVER.

B. Physical Upkeep
Stop eating unhealthy and then wondering why you can't seem to lose weight. Work the f**k out. Get sweaty sometimes. Don't ask us if your butt is big when it's not big in a good way. Don't worry about your hair so gotdamn much. Go to the gym 3 times a week, it won't kill you. It will actually make you stronger. But that damn egg, bacon, cheese, pancake, sausage, butter, and toast that you eat every morning will. Eat some damn fruit once in a while. Have a nice salad. Don't fry everything you eat. Drink some water, n**ga.
Stay well groomed at all times. Never allow yourself to have facial hair, EVER. Never have hairy legs/pits. Shave your legs, every other day. Thigh stubble is atrocious and grounds for termination.
Never let your nether regions get to jungle levels. Never be hairy. Ever. Do not pile on pounds of make up. Looking like a circus clown is not attractive. Never be ashy. Your skin should be lotioned and smell of lavender and angel dust 24/7.

C. Various Relations Issues
DO NOT catch feelings when I offer constructive criticism, I care about you and more importantly I care about myself. I do not want to be seen with someone half steppin'.
I'm just tryin' to build you up.
You are not perfect, the sun does not shine out of your ass, and I will leave you if I feel like you don't want to better yourself.
If a man calls you a b*t*h, before you get mad at him, examine yourself, you might just be more of a b*t*h than you think.
Don't curse just to curse because it ain't lady like and the more you curse the more likely we are to treat you like a dirty b*t*h cause only dirty b*t*hes and potty mouf hoes curse. Be a f**kin' lady.
Never have bad breath.
Don't belch, Don't fart, Don't sh*t, or Don't spit around us because we don't want to hear/smell/see that crap.
If you have to blow your nose, excuse yourself, snot is not attractive.
Do not vomit, ever.
EVER.
Stop eating unhealthy and then wondering why you can't seem to lose weight. Work the f**k out. Get sweaty sometimes. Don't ask us if your butt is big when its not big in a good way. Don't worry about your hair so gotdamn much. Go to the gym 3 times a week, it won't kill you. It will actually make you stronger. But that damn egg, bacon, cheese, pancake, sausage, butter, and toast that you eat every morning will. Eat some damn fruit once in a while. Have a nice salad. Don't fry everything you eat.
Drink some water, n**ga.
Stay well groomed at all times. Never allow yourself to have facial hair, EVER. Never have hairy legs/pits. Shave your legs, every other day. Thigh stubble is atrocious and grounds for termination.
Never let your nether regions get to jungle levels. Never be hairy. Ever. Do not pile on pounds of make up. Looking like a circus clown is not attractive. Never be ashy. Your skin should be lotioned and smell of lavender and angel dust 24/7.
Never snore.
Never have stank feet.
Never let me have to tell you to take a f**kin' shower. EVER. Ugh. GOTDAMNIT. A woman who stanks is so foul, it's like a contradiction.
Never let your pussy get tart. EVER.
Never ever ever ever ask for sexual relations when during your cycle. It is an abomination.
Never ever EVER tell me that you are saving your a*shole for marriage.
If you have not brushed your teeth, do not expect me to kiss you. Never attempt to kiss me with an open mouth when I know you haven't brushed your teeth, lest you want to receive a closed fist.
Never attempt any type of intimacy when I know you are unclean. Again, never let me have to ask you to take a bath. Wit ya nasty ass.


Never make me ask you to get your hair done.
Never make me ask you to clean your fingernails
Never attempt to kiss me when you are sick. Ugh. You think I want your damn germs?
Never attempt to hug me when you are on your period, like I said, you are unclean. I don't even want to talk to you when you're on your period...just disappear for a week.
I have a shack located in the back of the house for such an event with a padlock to keep you under wraps.
Never ask me to buy you feminine hygiene products, that's your job and yours alone. I don't ask you to buy me ball cream, do I? NEVER EVER EVER ask me to buy you feminine hygiene products. You will be greeted by a prompt SCHMICK like this :-"
And don't give me any GOTDAMN scenarios about "what if we were married" and all that bullsh*t. Get your own damn pussyrags.
You shall never dispose of any used feminine hygeine products at my place of residence. Ugh. NEVER.
Don't call me just to say hi. Have a damn purpose to your correspondence. Don't get mad when I don't call you. I'm just busy.
Do all that I ask when I ask. I do not tell you to do things simply to hear my own voice. When I do tell you something it is always for your own good, for instance when I tell you to shut the hell up, it is to prevent you from getting thrown out the car/window/plane. Or when I just look at you...I'm not trying to see how pretty you are, I'm subtly telling you to shut your sh*t. When I tell you that you are getting on my nerves, it is not an invitation to become more annoying, it is a precursor to your demise. It is also your last chance to shut the f**k up. If I look upset, I am upset. There is no need to ask, it only makes me more upset. Do not ask me what is wrong because that adds to what else was already wrong. When I am upset, the only cure is a headshot, or perhaps some boneless buffalo wings. Word.
When I am watching a f**kin' sporting event....SHUT...THE f**k....UP. Do not call, do not talk, do not ask stupid ass girl ass questions...do not say any of the f**kin' players are cute...just shut the f**k up. If you happen to be well versed in said sport I know, and from time to time I may ask for your input...but seeing as how the chances of that are very unlikely, SHUT YOUR sh*t!
Do not ask me who is playing when you can see for your gotdamn self.
Don't ask me what the mascots are for the teams who are playing when you can A)see for your gotdamn self or B)hear the announcer say it.
Don't ask me if that last move was legal. If the ref didn't call it, and I didn't immediately erupt in to a fit of rage, that sh*t was legal.
Do not ask me what the big deal is.
Do not be upset if I cuss you out after my favorite team loses.
Do not be upset if I tell you to get the f**k away from me after my favorite team loses.
If we are ever watching a sporting event together, we better be rooting for the same damn team.
In crunch time, get the f**k away from me because I need to concentrate.
If my team loses, console me with sexual favors. At halftime, entertain me with sexual favors. If my team wins, congratulate me with sexual favors. During extended time outs, you guessed it, sexual favors.
Fellatio and swallowing go hand in hand, it's like peanut butter and jelly.
Do not be afraid to make dinner.
Do not be afraid to bring me lunch.
Do not be afraid to wash the dishes, mop the floor, and vaccum.
Do not be afraid to make breakfast.
Do not be afraid to wake me up in the morning with a headshot.
Do not be afraid to model your lingerie for me.
Do not be afraid to walk in a room naked for me.
Do not be afraid to have sexual relations more than 3 times in a day.
Do not be afraid to be a hoe for me, I won't tell.
Pay for meals once out of every 5, offer to pay once out of every 3.
While I do consider you a gift, you in and of yourself in no way supplant the occassional polo/video game/watch/cologne/etc.
Speaking of gifts, ALWAYS PUT SOME f**kIN' THOUGHT IN ANY GIFT THAT YOU DECIDE TO GIVE ME.
Gifts should always be equal or greater in value to any gift received. NEVER give a gift who's name brand I've NEEEEEEVER heard of. Unless it's some expensive sh*t...some expensive fly sh*t. Expensive does not equal good, hence the perfume I bought you for Valentines, it smell good don't it? Expensive fly sh*t.
Stay awake when I'm driving on a long trip, gotdamnit.
Stay awake while we at the movies, I didn't just pay 12 dollars for you to take a nap.
If I grab your booty in public, take it as an sincere compliment, a mark of ownership.
Never hold me around the waist.
Never grab my booty, unless we A. are having sex, B. are teammates in an organized sporting competition.
Do not touch the radio in my car lest you pull back a nub. Do not touch anything in my car, other than me, when solicited. Do not yell at me when I am driving. Do not ask me if I know where I'm going. Do not ask to drive my car. Do not give me directions, I am a man I know these things. I will get there my way. Just shut up and look pretty.
Yes your girlfriend/sister/soror is fine, you know that, I know that, but I'm with you, be happy. Just know that if you f**k up, she's my first option.
Never comment on the attractiveness of a man and then get mad when we comment on the attractiveness of a woman.
Let me look at other women's titties. They make me want yo titties more.


Never talk about your past boyfriends, it only serves to infuriate.
Do not remain in contact with past boyfriends, it only serves to infuriate. As a matter of fact, all past boyfriends should be considered dead to you.
Because they are to me or will be if you keep mentioning they ass.
If another man tries to holla at you, do not engage in any sort of friendly conversation with him. Treat him like complete sh*t. Lest I should have to kick your ass too.
When greeting your male friends, a simple hello, and a hand shake will suffice, lest you lose two friends and your life simultaneously.
Never ever hug another man in my presence or in my absence, unless that man is related to you by blood. Close blood, like your dad/brother/granddad/etc. Anything else is still subject to termination. Literally.
F**k OPRAH in the ass with a 2 x 4. She does not know everything. In fact, f**k YO' FRIENDS TOO. f**k everyone else's opinions except mine. You're in a relationship with me, not your gotdamn friends/coworkers/sorors/family members.
If your single girlfriend always wants to hang around with us, more than likely she's tryin' to f**k me, oor is trying to damage your relationship because her life sucks ass.
If you're lonely ass homegirls knew how to treat a man, they would have a man, period.
F**k yo lonely ass homegirls.
If you cry, and I don't immediately console you, you probably shouldn't be crying.
When I say I love you, I meant it; don't force it...it makes me wanna say it less. Don't ask me to tell you I love you when you already know the f**kin' answer. Gotdam.
I don't give a sh*t about "a girl just wants to hear it". Shut. The f**k. Up!
Do not ask me if I still think you are pretty. I don't. If you have to ask me whether or not I still find you attractive, your indecisiveness has verily answered your inquiry.
Be truthful to me and most importantly to yourself.
If for some strange reason I don't want to have sex with you, be very concerned. Go to the gym 5 times a week. Try some sh*t on me you ain't never done before. Step yo f**kin' game up.

D. General Behavior
Shut the f**k up....men don't want to hear your yap all the f**kin' time. You don't know everything.
Don't curse just to curse because it ain't lady like and the more you curse the more likely we are to treat you like a dirty b*t*h cause only dirty b*t*hes and potty mouf hoes curse. Be a f**kin' lady.
Never have bad breath.
Don't belch, Don't fart, Don't sh*t, or Don't spit around us because we don't want to hear/smell/see that crap.
Never urinate in public cause that sh*t is nasty.
If you have to blow your nose, excuse yourself, snot is not attractive.
Do not vomit, ever.
EVER.
Stay well groomed at all times. Never allow yourself to have facial hair, EVER. Never have hairy legs/pits. Shave your legs, every other day. Thigh stubble is atrocious and grounds for termination.
Never be hairy. Ever. Do not pile on pounds of make up. Looking like a circus clown is not attractive. Never be ashy. Your skin should be lotioned and smell of lavender and angel dust 24/7.
Do not EVER try and show me up in a public setting. I am a man.
Never try to physically attack me. You will regret it.
I will never outright punch you, but know I will choke hold/brain-rattling-shake-the-sh*t outta you in a heartbeat.
IF you ever decide to punch me, you better knock me out.
If you ever kick me in the nuts, you better shoot me as well.
Never threaten my reproductive organs. you will regret it.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER induce labor so that you can go to the club the following week.
Do not be proud of having children out of wedlock. It is not cute. I am not trying to have a ready-made family.
Do not brag about your sexual escapades. You whore. And don't get mad when we only want you for sex...you were the one bragging about your dick suckin' skills.

Do not have a roster of n**gas you sleepin' with at any one point in time.
Never ask advice as to who you should f**k because you are horny.
NEVER put slutty images of yourself on the internet that a child may stumble upon. In fact, never take slutty photos of yourself.
Never buy a man anything pink. Ever.
Never buy a man anything you yourself will use more than him, i.e. foot massager, bath & body products, etc.
In fact, never buy a man any of those products.
Never take advice from someone who's life sucks more ass than yours, that's counter productive, and just plain stupid.
In fact, do your best to not hang out with anyone who's life sucks more ass than yours especially when they are doing nothing to try and improve their sorry ass existence.
Never go to the house of one man and get f**ked by someone else other than the owner of the house in the owner's house.
Never have sex in your friend's/parent's/sibling's bed.
NEVER have a train ran on you.
When you are at a man's house, the only man whom you should be having sex with is the owner of said house. Disrespectful b*t*h.

E. Conclusion
Follow this simple guide and happiness can be guaranteed 98.99 of the time.